The Worst Leader (?)

Howdy People!

How’re you doing? I hope you’re doing well!

Today’s post is going to be about a little factarino that I usually never talk about. I try not to think about it because it makes me feel like I’m an asshole.

I am not a good leader. Group projects for me have always been a burden and I always try not to lead to group. I like to think that I’m above average creative and so I do contribute to the group but there has not been one time when I have genuinely looked at a group project and thought, “wow I really like it”. Usually all my group projects are pretty generic and we have to squish all levels of art skills and knowledge into one and in the end it just looks like a huge mess on a paper.

But Riya, if you have so many problems with the project, why don’t you just lead the group and make a better project? Here’s why-

Cause I’m the fucking Satan. I have a guilty conscious and I hate being rude to people but if I am the leader if a group project, you best believe I’ll be the bossiest person ever. If I am ever given the responsibility of something, I go into overdrive and put my 110% into making it look like a masterpiece.

I will block anyone and everyone out of the creative process and the project would work literally just how I want it to be. I don’t care if you grandma died or if you are not good at art, If I want my borders to be flawless, I want them to be flawless.

Group projects are supposed to be team work but under my ‘leadership’ they just end up with me being bossy as all hell and everyone else acting like my slaves. If I’m the leader, I will not stop remaking and correcting the project until I love it. It usually means that if someone isn’t creative enough for the project, I’ll rip them to pieces until I get what I want. And that means that everyone hates me.

Now there are two sides to this. Even though I practically suck the life out of everyone else, I can say for sure, the project would be BOMB. If everything goes according to plan, it would be the masterpiece I want it to be.

But at the end of the day, it’s not team work if everyone is not happy with the work. And so I always sit in the corner unless someone tells me to do something and then I procrastinate it until last minute and submit the average looking project because hey, no one is going to remember the project but they are going to remember me. I’d rather be friendly than productive. Riya Out!

Peace!

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This may or may not be sad

Howdy People!

I don’t usually dwell on past but I had nothing to write on and a friend suggested I write on this so here goes. This post may or may not be sad.

I have never had depression. I may be a sad soul but fortunately, I have never reached a point where I am depressed. Sadness as a mood is my natural state but depression is much more and much serious than just a mood. And it’s something people don’t really talk about so here it goes.

I know someone that in the past had depression. Not gonna name the person, of course but let me tell you one thing. It’s fucking hard living with it. I can’t ever imagine how hard it must have been for that person to cope with it.

They’ve always told me that depression never goes away. You may try to suppress it but it always comes back. So it’s best to understand and live with it. Let’s call the person ‘A’.

A has always been close to me and I have seen her go through depression and how much she has improved. Of course I can’t write on depression because I don’t know two shits about it but as a person who has seen someone close to them suffer from it, I can confirm that people who deal with it need all the support they can get.

When A was struggling with her mental health, I remember thinking that maybe she just doesn’t want to work. Because usually, she was a workaholic and suddenly she just left everything and I guess that was it. Don’t make my mistake. It’s not that they don’t want to work but when you have so much going on inside you, you just can’t work. It was almost as if nothing mattered to her. And it was hard. For us but hardest for her.

And that’s what I guess people need to understand. I would hopefully never know what depression feels like and wish the same upon anyone reading this. But as people who may meet someone with depression, we must support them always. They are going through a lot, give them their time and space. I remember that A used to cancel out on everything and just sit and cry. Sometimes you just need to accept it. People who deal with depression may improve a lot and then snap back to square one in one day, but that doesn’t mean that they don’t want to work. Remember when I wrote, it never really goes away?

Another thing that A has always appreciated is that no one made a big deal out of her condition. It’s not that we didn’t take care of her, we just never made her feel as if she’s different. A little encouragement, some jokes, a shoulder to cry on and ice cream is all they expect from others. I am so proud of A for coming so far and doing so much more with her life than she ever thought she could.

This post really wasn’t for someone who is dealing with depression, it was more about people like us around them who have no clue what is going on inside them. We need to understand them or at least try.

You can’t cure someone’s mental health, but you can be there for them as they try to overcome it themselves. Because when they’re fighting with themselves, they may fall and that’s where we should be. Behind them, holding them so they could stand back up. Riya Out!

Peace!

PS- If anyone has any advice on what to do when someone is dealing with mental issues or what others should do to support them, please leave them in the comments. Let’s make this a support group.

 

Emotions

Howdy People!

You’ve trust issues not to mention, they say they can smell you intentions.

Okay. I have been wanting to write this specific post for so long but I’m still afraid I’m not going to word myself properly and give someone an anxiety attack.  If I do, I’m sorry. But here we go.

Emotions to me, are a distraction. They aren’t real to me. Now I’m not saying that people aren’t sad or happy or angry. Those are moods. When I talk of emotions, I mean feelings towards a person or an object. Let’s call it attachment or repulsion towards someone/thing. I see emotions as ‘love glasses’ or ‘hate glasses’. More on that after the next paragraph.

Okay, now hear me out when I say, everyone you know loves you because they have a motive for it. Wait, before you call me a sadist for saying that, just read further. I’m not saying it’s a bad thing. These motives can be good or bad. In most cases it’s good, but there’s always a motive. Your friends love you because they have something in common with you. Or because you’re popular. Yeah probably because of that. Once you lose it, they are gone. And it’s not a bad thing. People change and so do friends. Your family loves you cause you are literally a part of them. Had you been a random child, they wouldn’t have given two shits about you. Everyone has motive to love or hate you.

And that’s where my mind is confused. If emotions are so delusional, why do people give into them? There’s a reason people go to therapist, because they don’t know their patient and so don’t give a shit about them and can actually help them. When you let your emotions take over you, you aren’t making the decisions anymore. This is why you let your best friend cheat from you in exams and purposely tell your enemy the wrong answer. It isn’t you making those decision, it’s your love and hate for others making decisions for you.

Maybe this is why I can’t help people. Because when I’m helping you, I am not providing you a, politically correct, emotional stability. I am giving you the tough love where I am actually giving you the possible things you can do to get out of the situation and I can’t just sit there and pretend to listen. I am brutally honest and if you ever need help from me, I’m sorry but I will rip you if you are wrong but then help you out of the situation because I do appreciate you. I’m more of a wanna be therapist that lands you into horrible situation with my advice and less of a soundboard for thoughts that I ironically like in people.

There’s a reason why I say I don’t believe in emotions and that I hate being vulnerable. I don’t want to give into my emotions towards someone when I can literally practically analyse the situation and turn it into my favor. It seems so much easier to forget that your mind even exists and mold the situations because practicality always works. Always.

But does it make us human? Never. It makes us a numb machine,constantly analyzing and calculating until we are on the brink of blasphemy. So what is one supposed to do in a world fighting constantly over power and humanity? You tell me. Riya Out!

Peace!

Constant Therapy

“Think things on the brink of blasphemy, I’m my own shrink”

Howdy People!

How’re you doing? I hope you’re doing well!

This is another post about my best friend. Just a had a thought of what our friendship is like and I feel like I need to write it down otherwise I’ll clutter my brain. Get ready for a massive word vomit.

Okay I just got interrupted mid writing and now I have been staring at the desktop for almost five minutes and I’m frustrated. What was I about to write?!?!

When I think of both of us as friends, I don’t see a casual, funny friendship. We’ve never been casual, we’ve never been funny. It’s more like a therapy. It’s almost needed for both of us and if you’ve ever tried therapy, I hope you get what I mean.

When we are in a room together, there’s always therapy going on. We’re always talking about our problems and we’re always solving some dispute. We both push ourselves to do better in highly different ways and I don’t think we appreciate it enough.

I am a layered and closed up person with high trust issues. So every time I talk to her, it’s almost like a dagger in my chest because talking about feelings is not something I’ll ever be used to. I hate it. I openly admit that to me emotions are just a distraction and that if you are vulnerable to someone, they will crush you because there’s always an underlying motive to all relationships. Maybe that’s why I am the least jealous person, because I always know there’s someone and something better than me out there and it’s just stopped bothering me.

And that’s why I hate my best friend. Because even though I hate talking about what’s going on in my brain, she for some reason is always the soundboard for my thoughts. I can’t help not talking to her is basically what I mean.

She knows this full and well I have no clue why she is my friend still because who stays when you tell them you are scared of talking to them? She’s almost like a tear in my heart. Not in the cheesy way of course. Like in a ‘I hate that I like you’ kinda way. Cause true liking doesn’t exist. It doesn’t.

Do you even understand what I’m saying? Cause I don’t.

She on the other hand, is a person who never knows what she wants. She is too pure for this world and I am too, let’s just say, mature for this world. So like it’s a perfect combination. She’s constantly making friends and I’m constantly behind her with a knife in case someone tries to hurt her. Ain’t nobody hurting her. Nobody.

Also, she is great at lying to herself and ends up doing things she doesn’t really like. Or ends up missing on things she would like. And that’s why I’m her shrink. Because if I love you, I’ll be fucking honest with you. There’s always a fear in the back of my mind that someday I’m going to be too honest and she’s totally going to punch me in the jaw. But’s that’s okay, at this point I don’t really care if she leaves because I guess a therapist is never scared of they’re patient leaving, are they? They just know what’s right and they’re going to say it. I am never honest to people I don’t like and too honest to people I do.

Basically what I’m saying is that I can’t talk to anyone except her and she doesn’t even know what she is talking about. So we’re a cool duo. Like you’ll never be as great as us. Basically.

Riya Out!

Peace!

PS- If anyone watches try guys, me and my best friend are like if Eugene and Keith were best friends. Na mean?

PPS- I just proofread this, and boy oh boy you probably have no clue what I am talking about lol.

Brace Yourself This is a Gross One

Howdy People!

Two things. 1. Can we appreciate the bad pun in the title cause this post is about my braces? 2. I changed my theme WHAT?! Alteast I didn’t rebrand myself without any warning, ammirite Daniel?!

Anyways, how’re you doing? I hope you’re doing well. I’ll tell you how I’m doing, not that you care but, I aM dOiNg GrEat. Obviously not.

I got my braces in a few months ago and I don’t know if I announced it or not but they are ruining my entire life. They actually are. Don’t worry there are no ugly teeth pictures in this post, I’m not that sadistic.

If you’ve ever had braces, you’ll know how shitty they feel. Yeah they are helpful but there are so many things that bother me about them, that if it was up to me, I’d rip them off my face. Now that’s a mental image for you.

Being myself, I made a list of things I hate about braces. So in case you were deciding to get them, I can scare the absolute shit out of you or if you have already been through the process, give you some PTSD flashbacks. Enjoy.

  1. Food: I am a foodie. And naturally as the contents on your mouth increase, food tends to gets stuck in there. But that isn’t the problem. The problem is that once you have food stuck in your teeth, it will take every ounce of energy you have to take that food out and it will still be stuck there for eternity. Like even when I use toothpick, it takes me a solid five minutes to get the food out of my braces. I’m straight up training for wrist gymnastics with a piece of wood in my mouth. It should be an Olympics sport to see who takes food out of their brackets the fastest. It’s like a solid five course meal at the back of my mouth. What makes these doctors think I have time for all this? I mean, I say doctors, I mean dentists. Oh shit that’s offensive.
  2. Tightening sessions: That does not sound like something you write about on a PG blog. Here’s what I mean- As your teeth change position, they need constant shaping and those are done once a month.
    They hurt. They bloody hurt. When I got my upper denture braces, tightening didn’t really hurt so I thought it was a ‘myth’. Lol wait till you get your lower denture done and then watch it wreck your life. You gums itch, your teeth get sensitive and you feel like punching any human person you see. It is literally the worst thing. It’s like when you first started growing your teeth, remember that? Yeah, but this time you don’t get the chew toys.
  3. Ulcers: I have four ulcers in my mouth at this moment. Do I even need to write anything more about this? At one point I had seven all at once.
  4. Appointments: When I got my braces, I thought it was a one time thing and that I only had to get them off after six months. But no, you have to visit your dentist EVERY MONTH for checkups. Um, I’m sorry, I am a highly anxious and introverted person and there’s no way in hell that I’m ready for that kind of commitment. Ugh I really don’t like social interactions. Who has time to remember all these appointments? What if I have plans? What if I broke my leg? No one thinks about that.
  5. Fading: I don’t remember seeing any warnings about this anywhere earlier so here’s a heads up to anyone getting braces. DON’T GET CERAMIC BRACES. They are bloody expensive and the whiteness lasts for like a week. I am not even kidding. Especially if you like spicy and oily food, which I know you do, don’t lie to me you unhealthy turd. As you eat different stuff… notice how I said stuff and not just food. God I need to stop this is getting offensive. But yeah, as you consume food, your braces turn from transparent to yellow overtime. Yellow. Yeah. And that makes it look like your teeth are yellow from far. From far people would think you don’t brush and from close up they would see the buffet of stale food stuck in your mouth. Ceramic braces aren’t as transparent as you dentist tells you they are.
  6. Time: Again, I just wanted straight teeth, who said I’m up for this kind of commitment with ceramic brackets and wires? Fortunately I have just got them for 6 months which is less than most people, but it still feels like it has been 84 years. Also, what if get emotionally attached to them over time? No one thinks about that.
  7. Gleeking: I don’t even want to write about this. If you’ve ever had braces or have a friend that has them, you know the struggles of keep saliva in your/their mouth. It’s disgusting. I’m sorry to all the people I have spat on multiple times accidentally.
  8. Relatives: They are a nuisance anyways. But one thing that relatives like to do is squish your cheeks, isn’t it? You don’t know real pain unless you’ve had your cheeks squished by a relative telling you you look cute. It feels as though you’ve come back from death’s grip. But then everything about this whole process feels the same.

Not gonna lie, I still have more of struggles but I don’t even think anyone is going to read this far so for now this is it. Sorry if I ruined braces for you. But then, who likes braces anyways? At least you’ll have straight teeth. It’s like giving birth, the process is shit but end results are pretty satisfactory. Riya Out!

Peace!

Alive

Howdy People!

Before y’all attack me, hear me out. I was going to finish a month of spam posting, I swear I was, but my WordPress didn’t work. I swear.

It just stopped working, I couldn’t log in even after changing my password, it wouldn’t accept me. I guess the owners found out how shit I am were like NOPE.

So I couldn’t log in, couldn’t finish my challenge but that’s not the point. I’m not really sad about it. Because that’s the best thing about having a blog, you can post what ever you want and whenever you want and no one would give a shit. Or maybe you’ll boom up and be a celebrity blogger, but that ain’t happenin let’s be honest.

But yeah just an update, I am alive and well and I will be posting here again.

See ya! Riya Out!

Peace!

 

Day #26| Happy?

Howdy People!

How’re you doing? I hope you’re doing well!

First of all, can we talk about how I’m counting days till #30 eventhough I messed up this challenge ages ago? #Dedication?

Yeah, this one is a different post. I am happy now a days.

Okay, I’m not saying I’m some super emo edge lord, it’s just that, I am sad a lot of the times. Y’all know that.

BUT! Recently I have been quite happy. For no reason in particular. And when I say ‘happy’, I don’t mean running through flower fields, sunshine, lip syncing to Carly Rae Jepson happy, I just mean, not sad.

Like there’s been shitty stuff happening here and there but I don’t really mind it? And like, for once I am ‘enjoying’ life? I am really content with myself right now and with the people around me and nothing is bothering me a lot.

I don’t know why am I really writing this post. This can be counted as an update. It’s just that for the first time in forever, I don’t want death on me. I am happy with living. It’s useless yet adorable right now. Riya Out!

Peace!